Spider Returns

No, that's not a typo. I did mean "Spider Returns." Anyone who knows me knows that I'm pretty brash and bold, unafraid of hardly anything. Anything, that is, except spiders. I am the quintessential Little Miss Muffet. In other words, spiders scare the shit out of me.

My fear of spiders has actually decreased as I've gotten older, but I think that's only because I've had to be brave since I've lived alone a fair amount of my adult years. I've vowed to myself that I won't let a spider ruin my happy home. That being said, I have to admit to a few idiosyncratic tendencies. When I was little I put my shoes on and a big spider ran across my foot. Now I tap out my shoes before my feet enter them. Every time. Even in the winter. One time I took a shower and made the mistake of leaving my clothes on the floor and a spider was amongst them when I picked them up after my shower. Now, not only do I hang my clothes on a towel hook, I also shake out my towel before I dry myself after a shower. I've heard tales of spiders (and worse) in sleeping bags and beds, so I usually take a peek under the covers to see if there's any crawly things where I intend to lay down.

I have acquired some new habits recently. If I was not so scared of surfing pages where ugly, scary spiders pop in on my screen, I would search for the kind of spider that has made my home his home. Hell, we're not talking about one or two of these, I'm saying this sonofabitch brought every brother and lazy-assed ex father-in-law he ever had, plus every baby spider bearing female spider he could entice over with him. Damn! These things are appearing everywhere.

First I'd just see one or two skittering about on the ceiling while I was watching tv. This is okay, as long as they don't skitter above my head or over the furniture I'm sitting on. (You never know when they are going to lose that grip and have gravity beat them)! If one of them came down the wall far enough that I could get a clean shot with my "spider-killing shoe" then I'd run and get "the shoe" and kill the SOB. Really, not a big deal to kill a vagrant spider that is below shoulder level once in awhile. Do not expect me to hold my composure when I have "the shoe" in my hand and I'm on a chair trying to kill a spider on the ceiling. And don't ever give me shit because I can't take a whack at a spider on the wall that is above my head even though I can easily reach "the shoe" above my head and mark the wall with the spider's guts. I can't do it. And I won't even go into the inner hysterics I endure if the spider that's ruining my day is large and hairy. Suffice it to say that I will have trouble crawling into bed to sleep at the end of a day that involves a hairy spider. But I digress.

Like I said, the spiders that moved in were sporadically visible at first. Then (after the scouts came back unharmed I'm assuming), they started showing up everywhere! I'd open a cupboard and one would race up the inside of it. I'd take a bath and one would hover above me, ruining any chance of relaxation I was hoping to gain from my lavender bubbles. They'd appear from under the ledge of the counter while I was working in the kitchen. One morning I lifted the lid to pour water into the coffee maker and one darted around. I thought for sure coffee was going to be delayed while the scuba team tried to revive the kid, but his track abilities kicked in and he made a dash across the top of the machine and landed on the counter where I easily squashed him. Coffee was on time.

The spiders like to relax in the spot where the wall meets the ceiling, knowing damn well I can't get a shoe wedged in that space to take their lives. Except I did it anyway. A few got away shy a few legs, but I'm pretty sure they died or got smacked down later. (I'd like to think those ants that were attacking me last year might have had a hearty meal of him)! I had one of those spiders come flying out of the microwave one day. What in the hell happened to my little fairy tale house? These guys were threatening my existence here. I'd have a friend over for drinks after work, only to be mesmerized by the two dancing spiders having a prom all their own on the wall behind my chatty friend. "The shoe" came out, she sat still, and prom was over.

I went ballistic on these creepy crawlers about a week ago. I swept the whole house clear of spider webs and waited for the mad scramble. It worked. I think my best day was seven spider kills. I had gleaned the custom of scouring each room as I walked into it from the previous onslaught of spider bugaloo, so I was on double red high alert after the web-sweep. Finally, it seemed I had chased the few survivors to another abode. That is, until this morning when I went to feed my cats, and one popped up from under the ledge of the counter. I grabbed "the shoe" with a heavy heart and took him out without flinching.

I have one weapon left in my arsenal. It's a big jug of spider poison that will get sprayed around the outside of the house and in the corners inside the house. If they persist after that, I may get a holster made for "the shoe" and wear it to bed. I'm gonna change the last line of that nursery rhyme too:

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet
Eating her curds and whey,
Along came a spider,
Who sat down beside her
So Miss Muffet blew him away