Keen Observations

Let's face it. We all go through midlife crises. (That's the plural of crisis, right)? I'm doing it full-throttle, oh yes I am. Some days just seem more indecisive than others. I have a host of issues on the table as I venture into this summer season that I love so much. I believe--yes I do--that if this was winter, I might actually be depressed by all that is on my mind. But with bright sunny skies to greet me, warm breezes floating through windows that stay open day and night, and a schedule that allows me to enjoy those warm summer days, how can I be unhappy?

I was chatting with a longtime friend a few weeks ago. He was telling me about a girl he used to love. They had to split apart so she could go far away to care for an ailing mother. A series of miscommunication and bad timing cost them the relationship that might have been. While he'd wondered about her for years, he had moved on with his life, and is happily married with a child now. The same kind of odd fate that had ripped them apart brought them together briefly not long ago. He was trying to relate the feelings that talking to her again evoked. He is without regret, yet there's a sad overtone to finally knowing what happened to the girl he once loved. I think knowing she is sad, knowing she is missing him, understanding that she would like to return to the love they once shared, is a bullet wound that carries a pain we must endure once the gun has been shot.

It makes me wonder what things I might regret as I get older. I believe I have plenty of losses that I could regret if I so chose to regret. But I'm like E, I refuse to reenact an old love affair that obviously can't work for me now. Ha. It doesn't mean I don't do the same thing he did until a few weeks ago. I wonder what ever happened to the Mark's I knew in college (two guys named Mark?)!! I truly loved three guys in college, but the timing wasn't right. We might have made beautiful families together. Then again, we might be fighting over custody weekends and holidays.

I don't know. When I say to my friends, "I'm not where I thought I'd be at this point in my life" they all point out that none of us are where we thought we'd be. "Who is?" they scream at me. Well, probably none of us. And I'm not whining because I have a plethora of blessings I embrace each day. I do miss the fact that I never had kids. (More circumstantial happenings...) I have days when I truly miss my ex. (I also have days that I'm so relieved I'm not with him)! I wish my job offered benefits or a 401k. I wish I had health care. I wish I had a more steady paycheck instead of two combined jobs that are not 'for sure' in the amount earned. I worry about my elderly years. I don't have children who will care for me, but I wasn't shallow enough to buy into the American Dream of having kids for the sake of having kids, even after I knew I was setting myself up to become a ward of the state who would likely be tossed into a low-grade facility at age 75. Is it any wonder I throw out the crass, "I know, I'm trying as hard as I can" in answer to the redundant chastising about how that cigarette I'm lighting up will kill me? Sometimes I just tell the scolder that it's really my only vice and without it, I'd be perfect. ;)

Seriously though, where are we supposed to draw the line between happily doing okay and not even close? Is it bad that I sit online and chat with friends (or sometimes just read) while I have a few 'wind down' cocktails? Am I an alcoholic for doing that? Because I have to say...there's a whole lot of other bigger issues I'd like to address and clean up in my life before I worry about smoking and drinking. I'm the most moderate person I know. I'm also my own best critic, so if you think you need to tell me about how I'm fucking up, you can save your nicotene-free breath on that spiel. I already know, thank you.

I know that I want more. I know that I'm capable of more. I know that I have some decisions to make very soon. What I don't know is what I'll decide. In the interim of moving forward, I've decided that whatever is coming is an adventure and an opportunity, not a thing to be dreaded. I admit, that kind of thinking is a little outside of the box for me, but I'm up for it. I believe the palette in front of me is offering up some colors I haven't seen before. I've been mulling my life long enough. I have a clear understanding of my past. I concede the failures and believe that I am better equipped now to make solid decisions for the second half of my life than I have ever been. I'll wake up tomorrow with the sun glinting through the shades beckoning me to partake in the day that is waiting. And you can bet your ass that I'm all over that!

Giggity! Giggity! Giggity! ;)

Tidbits from the Last Week of May

So many little things crept into this week that I felt it was time for a mixed bag blog. In no particular order, here are the things that tickled, touched, or tormented me this week.

I was shopping the other day and found myself next to an older gentleman in the dairy section. We seemed to be ambling at the same pace through the variety of milk products and rounded the outskirts of the area together. I stopped to get some margarine when an elderly woman walked up to him carrying a can of something from somewhere else in the store. As she approached him, her voice lifted like that of a newlywed and she cooed at him, "There you are, baby. I thought you might be getting milk." I glanced over and was astonished to see this elderly couple coming back together among the eggs and cheese in such a tender way. The woman's kindness to a man who has surely been her mate for decades touched me. I hope we can all remember that even a five minute separation gives us the opportunity to let our best friend know that we are happy to see them again.

I waited on two 10-year olds who wanted to be "grown-up" and not eat with their parents. The parents sat across the dining room in another server's section, so the girls were on their own. When I approached the table the girls squirmed with delight at the prospect of being served like adults. They ordered kiddie cocktails and mozzarella sticks for an appetizer. They clearly wanted to make this an evening to remember and take full advantage of milking the experience. Hey, no problems there, I found it cute.

It was cute until I stood at the table for a full minute waiting for the miniature blond to get off of her cell phone. When she ignored me and kept talking to the person who was supposed to go to the movie gallery to rent her and her cohort some movies for later, I walked away. Trust me, it was hard not to fly into a tirade, but I held my composure. I walked into the kitchen and vented about being blown off by a ten-year old on a cell phone, exclaiming, "That's a first!" I hope it's a last too. It was downright humiliating and degrading. Parents are really teaching their children to be restaurant snobs early these days, aren't they? I can't even comment on this further, or it will turn into a full-blown blog of its own. Wow.

The tree and grass pollen has been atrocious this year, especially if you care how your car looks. Grrr. I have a new car that I would like to look lovely every second of the day. It's not gonna happen. I took it to the car wash one afternoon, and parked it smartly in my driveway, just a-gleamin' in the sun, only to see another film of the yellow pollen on it three hours later. I officially give up. Someone please ask the pollen gods to ease up, huh?

My sweetheart, who is never grumpy, was the biggest crab on the planet the other night. This was a complete role reversal for me to try to buoy him up and out of the bad mood that found him. It might also be a good reminder that I could knock that crap off anytime too because maybe cheering me up shouldn't be a full-time job. Point taken. And yet I've been just drained and out of it this week. I can barely find the energy to get anything accomplished. I made a comment at work the other day about not being recovered from the holiday weekend yet. Someone said, "Yeah, and you won't be until about September." Yep, let the tourist season begin. And may the grumpy season be gone.

A friend and I had an interesting discussion last week. I was bemoaning the fact that I seem to be taking after my grandmother with thinning hair. She's a bit younger than me, but she got it! Her reply is priceless. "I know," she said, "when I was younger I used to see the hair in the drain and think, 'how much hair do I have and now I see it and think how much hair am I losing?'"

The spiders have been behaving lately. The ants are moving in. It's humid, which I consider spider weather, but they've left me mostly to my home sweet home. And I haven't had to spray that darned stuff around the house, either. I am getting out the Terro though. I killed an ant tonight that had it been a spider, I would have been terrorized to swat. Yes, it was that big. If that family of ants moves in, I'm moving out. Yikes!

I'm working on a blog about the drama at work, but I'm not sure I will post it. It's so whiny. I would like to be hopeful and uplifting in my words to my two or three readers, but I know I'm not, so look for a post about some drama at work going up soon! ;) And enjoy the end of your week, friends!