I was chatting with a longtime friend a few weeks ago. He was telling me about a girl he used to love. They had to split apart so she could go far away to care for an ailing mother. A series of miscommunication and bad timing cost them the relationship that might have been. While he'd wondered about her for years, he had moved on with his life, and is happily married with a child now. The same kind of odd fate that had ripped them apart brought them together briefly not long ago. He was trying to relate the feelings that talking to her again evoked. He is without regret, yet there's a sad overtone to finally knowing what happened to the girl he once loved. I think knowing she is sad, knowing she is missing him, understanding that she would like to return to the love they once shared, is a bullet wound that carries a pain we must endure once the gun has been shot.
It makes me wonder what things I might regret as I get older. I believe I have plenty of losses that I could regret if I so chose to regret. But I'm like E, I refuse to reenact an old love affair that obviously can't work for me now. Ha. It doesn't mean I don't do the same thing he did until a few weeks ago. I wonder what ever happened to the Mark's I knew in college (two guys named Mark?)!! I truly loved three guys in college, but the timing wasn't right. We might have made beautiful families together. Then again, we might be fighting over custody weekends and holidays.
I don't know. When I say to my friends, "I'm not where I thought I'd be at this point in my life" they all point out that none of us are where we thought we'd be. "Who is?" they scream at me. Well, probably none of us. And I'm not whining because I have a plethora of blessings I embrace each day. I do miss the fact that I never had kids. (More circumstantial happenings...) I have days when I truly miss my ex. (I also have days that I'm so relieved I'm not with him)! I wish my job offered benefits or a 401k. I wish I had health care. I wish I had a more steady paycheck instead of two combined jobs that are not 'for sure' in the amount earned. I worry about my elderly years. I don't have children who will care for me, but I wasn't shallow enough to buy into the American Dream of having kids for the sake of having kids, even after I knew I was setting myself up to become a ward of the state who would likely be tossed into a low-grade facility at age 75. Is it any wonder I throw out the crass, "I know, I'm trying as hard as I can" in answer to the redundant chastising about how that cigarette I'm lighting up will kill me?
Seriously though, where are we supposed to draw the line between happily doing okay and not even close? Is it bad that I sit online and chat with friends (or sometimes just read) while I have a few 'wind down' cocktails? Am I an alcoholic for doing that? Because I have to say...there's a whole lot of other bigger issues I'd like to address and clean up in my life before I worry about smoking and drinking. I'm the most moderate person I know. I'm also my own best critic, so if you think you need to tell me about how I'm fucking up, you can save your nicotene-free breath on that spiel. I already know, thank you.
I know that I want more. I know that I'm capable of more. I know that I have some decisions to make very soon. What I don't know is what I'll decide. In the interim of moving forward, I've decided that whatever is coming is an adventure and an opportunity, not a thing to be dreaded. I admit, that kind of thinking is a little outside of the box for me, but I'm up for it. I believe the palette in front of me is offering up some colors I haven't seen before. I've been mulling my life long enough. I have a clear understanding of my past. I concede the failures and believe that I am better equipped now to make solid decisions for the second half of my life than I have ever been. I'll wake up tomorrow with the sun glinting through the shades beckoning me to partake in the day that is waiting. And you can bet your ass that I'm all over that!
Giggity! Giggity! Giggity! ;)
3 comments:
Suz,
This is my favorite thing you've written. You are honest and funny. Your basic happiness will bring more of the same and more like-minded people in your life, in my opinion.
A lot of people have "everything" and they are miserable, so don't underestimate your positive, happy attitude.
Suz,
First and foremost, I'm so flattered that you actually wrote about our talk like you said you would. Always good to know that you're actually paying attention when we talk sometimes and not just going thru the motions! I appreciate that!
More to the point my reason for posting, and that's to say more power to you for moving on with your life. Maybe 'moving on' isn't the right phrase.....maybe 'living your life' is more apt? What I mean is big ups to you for savoring what you have and knowing what you want and working for that. You're so far ahead of the game, I hope you realize. Too many people don't even know what they have or what they want, you know? Life's a day by day gig and you can't turn back the clock. Chalk up the fuck up's to lessons learned, I always say. Older and wiser.....and kiss my ass to anyone who says they never made any mistakes or have any regrets in life. But....'coulda, woulda, shoulda, double ought-of don't mean shit'....my friends and I used to always say. You're doing great girl, stay the course!
E (C) ? ;)
"Giggity! Giggity! Giggity! ;)"
8) Oh baby, you had me at the first "Giggity!"
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